Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
