Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize