Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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