I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize