This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she smelled like a LAN party
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
