i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
