There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
