Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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