His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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