Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've blown a few things in my day
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
