He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
