I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
