So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
