Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
