I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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