maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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