I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
