my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
