Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
