I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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