His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize