yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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