When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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