not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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