Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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