I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
