the condom got lost in my hair
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
