so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
