Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
