Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
