You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
