I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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