I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
