dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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