So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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