Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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