I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
