he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
