im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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