fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
