As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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