if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize