he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
