You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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