My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
