ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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