If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Alive.
So much puke
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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