great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
