Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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