Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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