yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
