Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
