Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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