i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
