I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
