you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
