It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
