he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
